Recontracting

2015 is finally here and so far, it’s a little terrifying.

It’s now been almost half a year since I’ve started living in Japan, which means, in JET terms, that it’s time to decide if I’ll be recontracting for the upcoming 2015-2016 year here. If I don’t recontract, I’ll stay in Japan until August 2015, and then return to the US. If I do, I’ll be here until August 2016, another 18 months in Kadogawa. I’d be returning to the US on the eve of my 24th birthday.

When I first arrived to Kadogawa, I was certain I’d be staying for two years at minimum, and maybe even a third or fourth year as well. The students are so fun, the money is great, I can travel (paid vacation days!), and I am constantly being challenged, while experiencing a new way of life. What else could a girl need?

However, lately I’ve been doing some thinking. Suddenly I’m not sure if Japan is the right place for me or not.

When I think about my future career plans (or hopes and dreams and whatever), I really feel a pull towards working in entertainment. I’ve been doing improv comedy for about eight years now, I majored in film production at UCSC, I’ve been singing and playing guitar since I was just a kid; all my life has sort of been spent on stage. In Japan, I don’t have that outlet anymore.  It truly feels like something is missing.

A few of my friends recommended I work on my art at home, practice my skills so that when I return to the US I’ll feel more competent, more prepared, ready to kick down the door and show the world what I’ve got (I’m a star, baby!). But with something like improv, I can’t practice alone, and I feel like I’m wasting time not taking classes and using those muscles. 

And as my personal hero Amy Poehler says, great people do things before they’re ready. I’m worried Japan is a way to put off going after my dreams and goals because I am afraid of failing.

I came here to learn, to figure out who I am, what I’m doing. Is a year a long enough?

I’ve recently returned from a long trip abroad (still in the process of posting!) and it sort of feels like everything in my world shifted during the trip. When I left, I had firmly decided to stay. I am doing so many interesting things here, and in California, I am just another college graduate looking for a job. I like feeling like I am doing something different, living my life uniquely. 

Then I experienced loneliness. Homesickness. The weirdness of tourist shops in Bali.

I remembered all the things I was missing out on while living in Japan. There’s no nightlife in Kadogawa! What?! No boys to date! No Mexican food! I’m twenty-two years old, Taylor Swift promised me breakfast at midnight with all of my cool hip friends wearing a gown! I’m supposed to be taller! 

Then, of course, upon my return to Kadogawa (on top of all these sad feelings and lonely feelings and WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE feelings), I became very ill. I’m not sure if it was from eating something bad in Bali, or the influenza going around in Miyazaki, but either way, it was the most terrible week of sickness I’ve had in my adult life, simply because I felt so alone. And also I could barely get out of bed to make myself a PB&J.

They tell you living abroad is hard, but I think it’s easy to forget sometimes. Especially when you feel like you’re supposed to be a competent, independent adult...

But now, here I am four days later, drinking a ginger tea, back at school with students who are funny, speaking a language I still don’t understand, telling people about the crazy things I saw on my long trip. Riding my bike in the crisp morning air, trying to cook new healthy recipes in my apartment, dusting all the surfaces in my little house... Suddenly, I don’t feel so stifled or sad or alone. 

This place is mine, this life is mine, and there are still a lot of places I want to go and see. Maybe I don’t have the freedom to try out being a waitress or a Disney princess or taking musical improv classes, but I can go to Tokyo or Europe or take surfing lessons or go to dance school or write another novel (I finished one in November and I’m so proud)! I have a lot of time, I just think right now I’m using it to romanticize life in California instead of using it to live in the moment here.

I also think winter is pretty cruel and when it’s dark as soon as you get off work it’s hard to want to go out and pursue your hobbies.

I still haven’t made my decision about whether I’m staying or going, and I’m still pretty freaked out about the whole thing. But I’m in a calmer place now, and I’m trying to think of things in terms of what my old lady self would be most glad I chose when I’m wrinkled like a prune in the nursing home. I’ll reflect on everything this weekend and let you know what’s happening next week.

Until then, I’m just going to try to enjoy what I have for what it is. Life is good when you don’t take things so seriously.