Spring is here! The weather is warming up, the sky is clear, my bike ride in the morning doesn't make my eyes water from the frigid wind flying into my face. Everything is coming up Lauren!
Yet, I've still left the last leg of my winter travels un-blogged. I was backpacking around Taiwan and Okinawa for the first six days of this trip, but the final ten days I actually spent in Indonesia.
However, it's taken some time for me to want to write about this part of the excursion. Honestly, though it was a total blessing to experience Bali with Bridget and her sister, Philippa (who are wonderful people and a total blast!), this leg of the trip was a big pile of existential confusion and dramatic internal emotions for me.
Being away from my town in Japan for so long made me reconsider wanting to be an Assistant Language Teacher. Prior to coming to Bali, I had thought I definitely wanted to stay in Kadogawa at least another year, possibly two more years.
Then, for some reason, after a week of changed scenery, I sort of thought to myself, "Is this really who I am? What I want to do with my life? Why am I learning Japanese when everything in my past said that I should study art/acting/music/yada yada yada?"
It freaked me out a lot.
Though we had a ton of weird and interesting adventures in Bali (seeing The Hobbit in Kuta Beach/ spending New Years' Eve salsa dancing to a live Cuban band in Ubud/ swimming in our infinity pool at midnight under the palm trees/ drinking 'chakra soda' at this totally adorable organic hippie cafe in the middle of nowhere), so much of it was overshadowed by me doubting my life choices, and thinking about the future.
I was crippled by anxiety, reading as many Kindle self-help books as I could and trying to figure out what I was supposed to do.
It was helpful that my travel buddy, Bridget, was also sort of going through the same crisis. We're both fresh out of college and teaching in small towns, so we had a lot to talk about. By the end of the trip, she sort of helped me decide that I wouldn't stay in my town, and instead, would move onto a new opportunity. I was over it.
I was sick of being away from California. I missed Mexican food and doing improv comedy. I had a severe case of diarrhea and a fever from the food I had eaten on my last day in Indonesia. I didn't want to travel anymore. I wanted to go home, spend time with my family, and kiss my dog on the nose. I had made a firm decision not to stay, and I was ready to say my goodbyes to Japan.
However, the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry, as they say.
After returning to my life in Kadogawa, I changed my mind yet again.
My supervisor didn't ask me about whether or not I wanted to recontract for an entire month after I returned to Kadogawa. Within that time, I had a ton of great days at school with my students and teachers, and even more great experiences with my other ALT friends. I learned more Japanese, took up bouldering, started jogging every other day, and just generally began to enjoy my life situation more.
I think I had a lot of fear about not following my dreams of being an artist (whatever that means), and decided to move back to Los Angeles in a panic. I was afraid that what I was doing in Japan wasn't really what I should have been doing.
I realized that in Japan, in this tiny fishing town, I'm learning so much about myself and about the world. I'm learning about what's important to me, and allowing myself the freedom to grow as a person. If I want to go back to LA eventually and study improv comedy or screenwriting or whatever it is I want to do, I can do that at any time. Now is the time to learn and breathe and discover myself outside the things I did as a sixteen year old.
I'm only twenty two. I don't need to have it all figured out.
So for all those who were wondering about whether or not I'm staying in Japan, the answer is a resounding YES. No doubt about it.
And I can thank Bali for that.
